Watch your step, clench your teeth.

Ever since the accident I've been having terrible dreams. I can't open my mouth, my teeth clench, I have no control over this. My teeth grind back and forth & sometimes they break. & I keep them. I try to pry my mouth open with my hands & it helps sometimes. When my teeth are in my hands they have little black holes. I suppose those are cavities. I've never had one before, & this scares me. I've been putting off going to the dentist since the dreams have started. I'm afraid it's all true. I'm afraid I really have started grinding my teeth, & maybe there are black holes where I can't see it.

& maybe that's the same with life. Big black holes everywhere, that you can't see, sucking people up & away & they'll never see the light of day, again.



I woke up one evening & yelled "I'm dying, I'm dying! Do you see it?! I feel it!" & he said "Such a wild bird! You can't be dying with all of that life in you." & that's when a tears started streaming. & who knew that wild birds could cry.

My Little World.

I come home everyday & unload pockets full of colorful scrap post-its. They're filled with things that make my mind sad. Sometimes I crumble them into little balls and leave them places. Little worry gardens that go unnoticed. My neck is sore because I'm failing to see all the sides.

I'll wash my hair over a sink, so I can watch closely when the hidden worries flow down the drain.

Someone pointed to a picture & said "This looks just like you!" It was a picture of a fawn. Could they see my insides?

To thine ownself be true.

Everyday there are moments in my life that I consider safe moments, and unsafe moments. Today felt like a lot of unsafe moments. I just wanted to be home cocooned in my blanket. I slept in front of an open window last night. I woke up with the air on my face & it smelled like it was going to rain. I was safe. I had to force myself to get ready for work & once there I generally felt like I was in the way of all humanity. I was unsafe. I did ligthen up after a few hours & began to relax after I kept getting several compliments from customers & staff. I am home safe now, & will wrap myself in a blanket cocoon & nap. Maybe I'll become a butterfly. I really wish I could be that kid again, the one that dressed up like a koala bear everywhere she went. I guess since I can't, I'll just go to a punk rock show later.



I read in a book today that after you die your body becomes significantly lighter than it used to be. It said that that is the soul leaving your body. I think my soul may be pretty heavy.

Boyfriend.

He was at my door step with a handful of flowers all tied in a pretty bow. "I told the lady to make me something beautiful, & if she could add as much yellow as possible." & that's how it all started again. Head in the clouds. Sunglasses that make everything look like a faded polaroid. The pretty boys of the world will be let down today, I will no longer be looking their way.

Yellow light. Yellow light. Yellow light. Pink light. I just wanted to get home as fast as I could. & now I'm here.

Don't leave it lying.

Walking on tip-toes, always spilling my milk. Trying not to cry over it. Everything is tip-top when you write it in yellow ink. Although somedays it's hard to get up when your stomach is heavy with rocks. Wore all my shoes out trying to follow the right path. Pale, paler, & paler. Dark, darker, circles. Nothing is heavier than compassion. But this is about letting go.