Wild.

Hunger strike, hunger strike, hunger strike.
Practice my french, practice my french, practice my french.
Be perfect, be perfect, be perfect, be perfect, be perfect.
Cracked lips, cracked lips, cracked lips.
Dark circles, around my wrists.
around my eyes.

I met Rhythem, & she was indeed a dancer.

Salutations.

I'm pretty sure a monster lives in me. & it takes over sometimes. I feel bad when it comes out & shows it's self to the one I love. But he takes it in stride. & he doesn't judge me. He understands. I don't understand how I can be so loved unconditionally by someone who isn't my flesh & blood. I love him more than my flesh & blood.

Il est de ma famille.

When I was a little girl I would walk to the grade school house in the mornings, & I'd walk home in the afternoons. On certain days I would have two cases in both hands, one hand holding a viola and the other hand holding a saxophone. & I was the happiest, with both of my loves in my hand. & they were there waiting for my little kid hands to bring them to life. I miss my first loves.

Delicate

Nothing is feeling real anymore except for the nightmares. & then I wake up & they're not real.

I want to cut all my hair off, I want to dress like a boy, I want to be the exact opposite of me. I want to be someone else, please. No one seems real. There is such a turn over in my life. I cut out people that I didn't believe were good for me. I want to be off the grid. I want alone time.

I want to bury myself in the cool ground & sleep for a couple of light years. & claw my way out when the world has changed.
I wanted to send out messages to all my phone contacts asking if they were real, so I could see if they would tell me the truth.

Instead I hit delete. Delete. Delete. DELETE. DELETE. Delete.

& I work very hard at appearing fearless & strong. But I'm beginning to believe that some people aren't just cut out for this earth. By some people, I mean me.

Hats on.

Face to skin. Kisses behind the ears. Laughing until early hours. Laughing at all hours. Old love. Feels like new love. Worries. When it's time to leave, I always fear it will be the last time since life can be short. Which makes our time even better. I am lucky. & he wears suspenders.

Cat hat = 87 cent clearance
The comedy = priceless

Zebras.

I finished a book today that made me cry & cry & cry & my nose started bleeding. & appreciate my dog more than I ever thought I could. I'm very scared of what's to come. I've acted out on my fears. I clawed at my fears, & my fears turned to skin.

The Light is Going Out.

I know a girl who used to light herself on fire. I know a woman who stuck it to the man. I know a girl who punched a grown man in the face. I know a girl who walks on tip-toes by trade. I know a girl who makes it feel worthwhile. I know a girl who took down a troll. & I know a girl who's body is shutting down.


I have dreams where I will yell at everyone. Telling them how stupid they are, & that they have no backbones. That they're living in a world of shit they've created. That it's bullshit. BULLSHIT. I call it out. I string it out. I'm strung out. & they just hold their wine glasses & twirl their pearl necklaces. & throw their heads back in fake laughter that I can't hear. & they can't hear me either.

Back to the drawing board.

Destroyer.

We climbed through an open window like thieves. Landed with a thud. The house was empty. & instead of feeling welcome & pleased, I felt forgotten & alone. I destroyed a perfectly innocent cookie. I crushed it in my hand & I jammed most of it in my mouth until I wanted to throw it up. I threw folded cloth around & yelled "Why do I try to be perfect & they love me less, & the fucked up low life they care for more!" I kept throwing things, & picking up more things & throwing them, & I yelled "I hate this world, I really hate it! It's full of living trolls, & the worst of tramps, & thieving thieves!" & I stopped throwing, I sat & cried, the first real desperate crying I've done in a long while. Hopeless tears. & all he could do was hug me & tell me it was okay, & the world wasn't all bad. & I made a river on his shoulder, & said "Thank you for talking to me like I'm real." & then we cleaned up my path of destruction with no words left.